Log in

there must be a few...   
03:20am 28/08/2004
mood: exchange your narrow mattress

reasons why.

lifelong loves.

broken hearts.

novels about us.

poems we wrote.

you are the most magical friend. breathing words
like oxygen. some in, more out.
there are some saints who wanted to learn the meaning
of pray without ceasing.
so they breathed it in and out.
LORD have mercy on me, a sinner.

my love,the apple of my eye,
my golden apple in the sky.
i have no way to say. or paint. or write. or play.
what it is i feel today.
my soul is stretched by thoughts of you
to unseen heights and depths of blue.

i wish one thing,
that you could be the air, so i could breathe you.
and i could be the air, so you could breathe me.
you are my soul.

cross it all out. it's not enough. it's not worthy. of explaining us. you. sigh.
     (23 breaths|breathe on my cheek)
the journey is the destination   
04:34pm 16/06/2004
mood: chaka chaka

safari as a way of life.

i'm in love with a dead guy.
kristin says that means i'm a necrophiliac.
i'm not sure.

but i'm in love with him at any rate.
he is stefan. only more.
DAN ELDON, photojournalist...artist...safari-ist.
raised in london and then kenya.
he died in '93 at the age of 22.
stoned to death by an angry mob in somalia.

i will never marry an american.
(and he liked edith piaf too!))
     (7 breaths|breathe on my cheek)
the ice that burns   
12:58pm 10/06/2004
mood: though we see things

when my body speaks...it screams.
i'm tired of being tired and in pain.
and i'm tired of drama. with everyone. i just want to rest with someone. with no expectations and no conflicting interests. people keep going to california. or tenessee. and i'm left alone with a bunch of crazy boys who think they are shamans and do too many drugs.
love is not a feeling (wrongly confused with an acid trip), and he doesn't love me.

my life is happy and confusing, peaceful and tempestuous all at once. i don't know anyone anymore. and my old friends are even farther away from my heart than my new ones. this is a very precarious place to be.
i had given up my goals because they were too hard to hold on to,
like blimps instead of balloons.
and now my feet are sinking in the mire of this earth.

"crywater, pray for your living water,
wash my earthstained fingers."

so a refresher course in astrophysics and time-travel may be appropriate at this time.

(i have come to the conclusion that blackandwhite photography is too narrowminded.
i love what i am doing now.)

my camera lens has become my only eye. i watch my life as if i am not a participant. this is unhealthy.
especially because i never bring my camera with me anymore.

so i must not really exist.
     (8 breaths|breathe on my cheek)
01:57am 27/05/2004
mood: hoping for a future

i remember that at some point in this journal i said something about serendipity being a stupid movie
but i neglected to say that i was in love with the chance-ness
and the idea of random meeting and knowing.
a bit like the beginning of meet joe black.

(and also my own unwritten love story.)

the saddest and most beautiful love story is "chance" by r.e.m.

"chance, chance, chance, chance

friday bank card yours got stuck
i loaned you a phone quarter, said "good luck"
where are you now?

me in glasses saturday slump
you and your shopping, i looked up
our eyes met, mine are green
you'd had a peroxide thing
call now, look me up

sunday walk, weaver's park,
i was on the lakeside
where the playgrounds meet
in bare feet
you said, "mighty cold today"
i never say what I think
you didn't like your daytime job
i was born to travel

you were a camera, i dropped my keys
i'm on the northbound, you were asleep
i said, "are you holding?"
"you wanna ride the silent sky?"
i wrote a story on the fly
you and the tabletop
i said, "i've had enough of the city."

i held a bag of apples
you at the last table
i'd had a soy dog
cafe streetside, tuesday bloom
you wanna be on fire, i said i hung the moon

wednesday grocery, corner of vine,
you were in the checkout line
i dropped my frozen dinners, you helped pick them up

thursday cab, rush hour block,
you with broken accent, my heart stopped
you laughed, i worry

chance, chance, chance, chance
swarming like a dozen crushing blows
all those glances, midtime dances

i never looked it up
you hit the sidewalk talking
said, "i'd read the ads"
do you?
where are you? will you read this? can i see you?
this is surely moving faster than i can think

a minute shy, a passing eye
i know i saw you there
will you read this? can i see? what did i see?
chance, chance, chance, chance
swimming like a dozen crushing blows
all those midtime dances

guys, this is very tedious... stop!"
     (1 breath|breathe on my cheek)
i could bite a fish   
01:51am 27/05/2004
my teeth are 4 black men
"and you were drifting off to sleep
with your teeth
in your mouth."
and you wouldn't think that my best friend's forthcoming pain
would be the inspiration for the first completed painting in so long i can't remember.
but she will keep the painting in her room until she recovers,
to cheer her up.

her teeth sing too.
     (2 breaths|breathe on my cheek)
3 down...   
12:57pm 24/05/2004
...? to go.

three more weddings of friends. two this weekend.
one more in july.
you know they say 3 times a bridesmaid, never a bride.

well this is maid of honor. and it's number 4.
     (3 breaths|breathe on my cheek)
friendless, penniless   
12:43pm 24/05/2004
mood: loaned you a phone quarter

i was just remembering the americana music i used to listen to when i was younger and used to spend a lot of time with our hippie friends.
zach and i were all about the lost dogs and R.E.M. (who are still running hard in my blood stream) and there were many hours of celtic and bluegrass and appalachian music mixed in between.

i was also just thinking about emily. R.E.M. and emily. there is always too much pressure to understand people who are supposedly your best friends.
why can't there just be acceptance? isn't that more important? we made such a big ordeal about not being like each other at all. she always says i think i know her but i don't. she doesn't get it!
i love her.
i love you.
period. knowing is relative. i know things about you that you don't even know about you.)

nobody really knows.
if that's what it took to be friends then we'd all be friendless. (nearly)
     (2 breaths|breathe on my cheek)
"you can't really tell time anything"   
12:02pm 24/05/2004
mood: chance chance chance chance

sushi and green tea ice-cream, which is just the right colour.
it is a good meal with a friend,
when her name is kristin.

there was a random wedding,
and we saw "the saddest music in the world" (we were late so they let us in for free)
and in the film the woman's legs were made of glass and filled with beer.

we shared how we succumb to those who feed off of our insecurities.

(there is still one boy i wish i could love, but you can never fully be in love unless it is returned.
so instead i pray for him with passion and with tears.
the way i should for all the other ones.)

and now i'm fully living out my fears.
realize that life is a farce.
     (breathe on my cheek)
myriad lies   
01:39pm 19/05/2004
mood: this is an exciting time

brown emily is here,
in my room.
with my new bunny who's name is

mr. massacre

and i met a girl named megan yesterday who likes the red house painters
and is going to help me get my own radio show
so i can preach the gospel
of good music
on free radio!

that's all.
     (4 breaths|breathe on my cheek)
"making tea in your underwear"   
06:45pm 30/04/2004
mood: "i won't give up again"

there's no slight possibility
that i have control.
i'm so achey and these golfballs in my throat keep swelling.
there must be someone here with their hands around my neck.

my beautiful friend heather shaved her head because GOD told her to. i wish vanity and pride were the easy to shed. but i'm very disappointed to say. that it's not.
today there is a definite feeling of infinity all around me.
i wrote some new music. (but of course there's no words...and there haven't really been any for so long)

school is done.
until the 11th. when the new semester starts. but i'm only taking color photography, in the hopes of really making a concerted and intense effort to improve my skills and my relationship with my instructor. i've got a headstart on the project, and hopefully there will be a whole plethora of colorful images awaiting me in battle creek (somehow 4 days is not enough).

scott and i will be constructing some pieces-of-work out of found objects very soon.
our first genius idea is an old tv with some sort of highly controversial nonsense painted on the front and left in a random public place so we can observe and take pictures of their reactions.
i'm really excited to be actually making connections in the art/photography world over here that are encouraging me to do something with my inspiration.

("laziness cuts me like fine cutlery")
     (4 breaths|breathe on my cheek)
there's lions in my garden!   
05:37pm 25/04/2004
mood: it was a ray gun

yesterday i wrestled a whole (herd) of lions
with a digger.
i felt like one of the wild thornberrys

or st. george
with the dragons.
that's what those jagged leaves
and the buds with the long necks
and the mouths that look like blood
remind me of.

i pulled them up
one after the other
and one of them was so ginormous.
i really thought he was invincible.
but when i was done with him,
all that was left was a 6 inch hole in the dirt.

these are the legends of our youth.
     (2 breaths|breathe on my cheek)
lot puck   
05:33pm 25/04/2004
i've realized something about the culture
human culture that is.
i think this is a rather universal thing.

people always have gatherings that revolve around food.
i can't imagine why.
watching someone eat may be a gross thing.
some people i know
get so nervous when they eat in front of somebody
that they puke afterwards.
so why do social functions always have food?

because people wouldn't get together otherwise.
i think.
i might.
but i'm not most people.

(this is the part where you tell my i'm crazy...
i know)
     (2 breaths|breathe on my cheek)
the good gardener (on how he fell)   
02:10pm 21/04/2004
you were in the garden when the wind swept up and took the foul words from your mouth
Now you know what your sarcasm really really means
it's the tearing with your teeth of the flesh from the bones of your brother
kill the shrub to fertilize the flower
is it possible that i ever thought of such a thing?
did i hear you say that form doesn't matter?
well form into matter, the matter is forever, but only in a good garden.
"well you take the low road and i'll take the high for a laugh"
black rock bound in the brighton bowl where the seas of desolation roll
where you're borne and borne and borne again to the pebble-feather shore of forgotten friends
think how you can't see the science without seeing first the self
but then nobody thinks of growing somebody else
we always save the best for ourselves...afraid to give it away without getting it back
and how the sun hungry sun holds the withered withered world
so why shouldn't i kiss the beautiful girl?
withered withered world
the ice of winter would crackle and splinter with my love in everything
a fire inside
     (4 breaths|breathe on my cheek)
02:09pm 21/04/2004
brushing teeth and combing hair
i guess they do this everywhere
i guess it's time for a change
i never wanted a change
i think it's time for a change.
     (2 breaths|breathe on my cheek)
why i fall   
12:42am 21/04/2004
so low to the ground i fly.
balancing between air currents
like a fish out of water.
what am i thinking?
i find something i think will make me happy and hold on to it for dear life.
when i feel it being tugged at i pull it harder
the other end lets go
and i fall on my ass.
so why do i keep doing this?
staying busy will not make me happy.
it will just make me exhausted and temporarily distracted.
my job will not make me happy.
so i should just do it and be happy and not worry about the jobness of it.
my mom will not make me happy.
so i will love her anyways and quit looking for her approval becuase i'll never get it.
boys will never make me happy.
GOD has one picked out. i will wait for him and hopefully be what he needs by the time he needs me.
i will never make myself happy.
(see above)

GOD dwelling in me and leading me and forming me and loving me and using me to UNCONDITIONALLY LOVE others...
that will make me happy.

i love every one of you that has ever pointed me GODward...even when you didn't realize you were doing it.
you don't know.
but what you are doing right now is so encouraging to me. i pray for you often.
you are food to me. you struggle alongside me and pull me up when i stumble.
even when you lose focus...you don't really. and you are indignant about religious injustice. you prod me on.
seeing you go back and forth between passion and apathy...it's me. i understand it better when i see it on you and i strive for those times when GOD is my all.

i want to be a step on the stairway to heaven for all those lost and lonely ones who cry out for relief.

recovering my lost youth
is a lost cause.
i don't need to revert to move forward.
the future should be my driving force.
and the only sure thing in my future is GOD.

HE made the ostriches to be so silly
and HE gave the lions their hunting instincts
and HE made the fire to eat air
HE made the snow melt into rivers
and HE guides the rivers to the oceans
HE boils the lava in the potbelly of the earth

and HE lives inside of me.
     (11 breaths|breathe on my cheek)
12:43am 27/07/2003
i'm so tired of iced decaf grande nonfat extra caramel caramel macchiattos, mocha frappuccinos, ten-minute-timers, lines to the door, pitchers of milk that have just-barely-not-enough foam for a venti cappuccino, tops to vanilla syrup bottles that won't come off, uptight managers, puddles of water on the floor from the sprinkler system outside...
but i never get tired of old ladies.
and when kimberly's oldoldoldancient grandmother came in and took her sweetoldtime to pay and sign and talk etc. and there was a longlonglong line of imaptient caffeine addicts. and she said she appreciated my patience and kindness...well...i almost cried.
i love my job.

and i love kids.

and i love never sleeping very much...because i feel like i'm living my life to the fullest.
i feel like rich mullins. i want to know that if i died right now...my time would have been spent wisely. not doing stupid things like sleeping and shopping and watching tv. BUT LIVING MY LIFE TO THE GLORY OF GOD ALMIGHTY...by whom and for whom everything exists.

whether that means a full-time job at starbucks...or being a full-time photography/art student...or a songwriter/singer...or a worship leader...or a nanny...or a daughter...or a sister...or a friend...or a foreign missionary. i want to know that in every action i am glorifying GOD by living in a way that shows that i enjoy HIM and treasure HIM above all things on earth and in heaven.

where your treasure is, there is your heart.
seriously guys...can anything be more important?
     (11 breaths|breathe on my cheek)
now, for me, you must be, a different angel...   
11:32am 05/05/2003
mood: loving

it's been almost5months now. a little surprising.
but every time
when those strange, emotionally overwhelming, miscommunications happen
i feel like i should run and throw it all away.

to me it's like being poked with needles (like at the allergists)
and i close my eyes and try to think it's not happening.

maybe you will grow and change.
maybe i will grow and change.

my parents are worried that i may be basing my decisions on emotions.
but for the first time i know i am not.

i hope you are wrong, and that this will not cause problems later.
but if it's this bad now...how will it be in 10 years...
when you don't feel like trying as hard as you do now?

i am praying every day that this gap between us will close.
     (17 breaths|breathe on my cheek)
10:00am 13/04/2003
the bitter heart guards against love
and flees from those who
would forgive all,
the coals bring,- hot, burning-
are heaped on bitterheads.

doth, in heart, forgiveness become
less when someone becomes more?

but in becoming more
the heart swells
and bitterness departs

but I have seen the mind
assume the burdens, sins, regrets,
and, worst of all, memories of the other.

the solace in receiving heart provides
the place where redemption sole resides

-.travislee. and .charityfaith.
     (3 breaths|breathe on my cheek)
11:00pm 08/12/2002
i'm freezing. the heat must be off. i'm going to kill somebody.
this stinking basment will be the death of me.

the wedding was beautiful. the prelude was sigur ros. the new cd. wow.
and aimee and andy are absolutely beautiful and loving and they are my dear friends and i will move down to ohio this summer because they asked me too.

and right now i am cold. so i'm going to my room to play my new accordian from my aunt and uncle who so kindly fed us and loved us this morning. the ultimate pit stop.

stop being a show off.
     (6 breaths|breathe on my cheek)
"come to basilica, sir. come with an army...   
03:38pm 03/12/2002
mood: i can't wait...

restore order in the streets, and drive out the mercenaries. then the women of basilica will have no more fear."

so i am here now.
in this house that is twice as big as the old one. with my own room and a creek they call a river running through my backyard.
and there is a tree with berries right outside my window.
we live right next to the village and i trudge through the snow in the evenings to get to the market and buy fresh bread.
and now...because i finally have my license...i drive to the hardware store to buy flat black paint. and mustard paint. and blueberry paint. and i put nails in the wall. and i sleep on a matress on the floor.

i have a friend (her name is aj and she is an artist and a writer and her best friend is her brother and she was waiting for me). which was a miracle from the hand of GOD.
HE is a brilliant artist with people's lives. the way HE fits it all together just so.

i think i have a job too. i am to be a nanny.
for three elementary children.
victims of a remarriage.

the old place is full of ghosts and devils. i saw some of them this weekend. and it was like i was living in an old photograph. of my former life...
at michelle's (she said i could live with her...once i get a car and my act together) we put up the christmas tree and swore under-our-breath at her agility in dutch blitz. we ate sugar and caffeine and good music. we watched girlie movies and slept little. we played x-men until we had blisters on our thumbs (venting our pent up agression against the male race, and certain individuals).
at miranda's (she said i could live with her...and i could use her brother's car) i saw old friends. emotions were flying dangerously low for everyone that night. when you mix seven volatile artisans together on a bad day...you make a mess. i cried. in public.
so everyone was mad at everyone and it was a soap opera...only more ridiculous. maybe a shampoo opera.

and there are three more weddings.
andy and amy (they said i could live with them in ohio...and he would find me a car) on saturday (i'm going down to ohio with aj for this one. wouldn't miss it for the world. i'll wear my stripey tights.)
nick and...whatshername in january
pam and tony in may

i will revel in my singleness. (forget operation seduction. it will never work.)
which leads me to stefan (he said if i could have lived with him before it might have been cool...and we would have walked everywhere).
i am in love with him. still. it's been over a year now.
he called here a couple weeks ago. we talked forever. for the first time in a long time. and it was his last day in the states. he said he wants to settle down somewhere when he gets back. in a year or something. he said he loves me. (i don't think he meant it the way i wish he did.)
right now he's in ireland with his family doing a children's club with some gypsies. i never thought he had it in him!

emily (her mom said i could live with them in california...but i don't think she meant it) is coming in exactly 5 weeks. she is going to step off the plane with an accordian around her neck. a gift from brian to me...quicker than the pony express and the shipping is less expensive. and she will look so beautiful. and i will run and throw my arms around her neck. and it will be like a movie. and we are going to bow all our hard earned money on three weeks of bliss. roadtrips and music and movies and good restaraunts and thrift shops. and it will hurt even worse when she leaves again.

and brian (he said i could live with his sister in la...for a visit at least...and he would drive me in his truck) got his first coffee shop gig. he is a musical pillar. and he wrote another song about me.

so i am going to go finish decorating my room and try to avoid being yelled at and controlled by my parents...and be content with where i am living right now.

and i am loving this snow.
     (6 breaths|breathe on my cheek)